Customs and expected behaviour change over time, and some things that were customary and expected in my youth may be frowned upon today.
In a previous post, I wrote about how changes in the English language altered our perception of what words are permissible to use and what words are offensive.
This post is not about changes to our language. It is about changes to our customs and expected behaviour. I was reminded of this on a bus journey recently when there was a boy of about eight or nine sitting with his mother, whilst adults, both male and female, were having to stand.
When I was a boy, seventy years ago, that would never have happened. My mother would have insisted I stand up to provide a seat for one of the ladies who were standing. She saw it as part of her parental duty to ensure I grew up into a ‘gentleman’. It was customary, and basic good manners, for a boy to stand up to allow a lady to sit down, and that custom extended into adulthood. In the absence of a boy who could stand up and allow a lady to sit down, a man would be expected to offer his seat to a lady.
Times change, and these days it’s less common to see a child give up his seat for an adult, and it’s even rarer for an adult male to offer his seat up for a lady. Adult males are too fearful! A man offering a lady a seat, implies that the man is perfectly capable of standing, but the woman, being the weaker sex, is less able to stand-up. That attitude may have been acceptable once, but is usually unacceptable today. I have seen a man get a tongue-lashing from a woman he offered his seat to, and I’ve seen a man get a tongue-lashing from a woman he has held open a door for. Once you’ve seen that happen once, all thoughts of a woman being a weaker sex soon disappear.
Of course, there are exceptions. Some women still like a man to act like a ‘gentleman, and it may be fine to offer help if a woman is elderly, or pregnant, or carrying a lot of shopping. In general, though, men have learned to keep their heads down and not act in a manner which in previous times would have been called ‘gentlemanly’.
Of course, all this makes little difference to me. It is ingrained in my nature to stand-up for a lady on public transport, and to hold open a door for whoever is behind me, male or female. Although… it’s not. Not as far as public transport goes anyway. Throughout almost all of my life, I have stood up to allow a lady to sit down if there were no other seats. Most of my life, but not the latter part of it.
I still remember the first time I looked so old and decrepit that a lady stood up to allow me to sit down! I’ve added the exclamation mark at the end of the last sentence because I’m still emotional about it. It’s still a painful memory. It was a reversal of the rightful order of things, and a crossroads in my life after which I could no longer kid myself I was as young as my mind was telling me I was.
Yes, customs and expected behaviour change over time. There is still a good way to go, but it is a good thing that men and women are considered equal in so many different ways today. For me, my mind and my body are far more in tune with one another than they used to be, and I am only too please when someone younger than me, gentleman or lady, offers me a seat.
Customs and expected behaviour have changed for society, but the biggest change I’ve noticed is the change in my own behavior. I no longer say, “I’m fine thanks”, when offered a seat. My stock reply is, “Thank you”, as I gratefully accept the offer to rest my aching limbs.
